S1E16: Mastering your mind to live out your Purpose (ft. Mark & Adena Delaney)

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Transcript S1E16

Dr. UeJin Kim 00:04

Hi, welcome to the It's Like This Podcast. Your common sense, mental, and spiritual talk show My name is Dr. UeJin Kim, a dual-board certified psychiatrist from Texas. In this podcast, I explain mental and spiritual concepts using fun analogies, real-life stories, and a positive message so you can thrive rather than just survive. My goal for you is to gain understanding, acceptance, and healing so that you can know your worth and live the life that you were meant to live. If you want that as much as I do, hit that subscribe button and let's listen to today's episode. On today's podcast, we have a dynamic duo as our guests.

Mark and Adena Delaney are in relentless pursuit of one thing: helping people clarify their purpose and be set free to live it out boldly. For the last 30 years, they have been in the business of helping people understand how to pursue their boldest lives. Three years ago, they created a program called the Purpose Mastermind. This eight-week experience guides people through a process of transformation that enables them to move beyond what used to hold them back in life and chase after purpose, freedom, and love. So, I personally met Mark and Adena through a mutual friend and got to experience their expertise in finding your purpose. So, there was a lot of overlap of interest and passion when we were discussing life and, you know, mental health as a biopsychosocial and spiritual aspect. Knowing your life's purpose falls under the spiritual category. You are aware of your meaning, your purpose, and your worth. Mark, Adena, and I will discuss what knowing your purpose is and is not, as well as what that journey might look like for you. So, let's get started.

 Hey guys, welcome back to It's Like This Podcast. This is Dr. Kim, and we have a special guest or two guests in this episode. Their names are Adena and Mark Delaney, and they created a course called Purpose Mastermind, which contains eight conversations and eight experiences that will help you discover your purpose. Mark and Adena are welcome.

 

Adena 02:50

Thanks.

 

Mark 02:51

Thank you.

 

Adena 02:51

Thanks for having us.

 

Dr. UeJin Kim 02:52

Yeah, I know I mentioned purpose-masterminding, but could you tell me a little bit about yourself, what you do, and what you're up to?

 

Mark 03:03

Well, we are empty nesters, although a month ago we received our first two grandbabies.

 

Dr. UeJin Kim 03:09

Congratulations.

 

Adena 03:10

Loving that.

 

Mark 03:11

Both of our daughters-in-law are working on consecutive days. So, now we are grandparents. We're just in relentless pursuit of helping people know their purpose. That is pretty much all that we are. We eat, drink, and live to pursue that mission pretty much in everything we do, and we do like to have fun.

 

Adena 03:36

I enjoy going outside to play frisbee golf and spend time with my family. It's really important to unplug because life is so fast-paced, so we try to be intentional about that, and one of our favorite ways is to just go out and enjoy the outdoors.

 

Mark 03:53

Yes, there is frisbee golf and cue ball. If we get that once a week, we pretty much have everything.

 

Adena 04:01

Yeah.

 

Dr. UeJin Kim 04:04

We have it made.

 

Mark 04:05

Yes, that is it. You can go to Hawaii if you want; I want to go down the street and play disc golf with my wife and get cue balls.

 

Dr. UeJin Kim 04:13

Yeah, that's a simple and good life.

 

Mark 04:16

And before we get the ball, though, inside this store, we go to this restaurant, where they have an old-fashioned Pac-Man game. We were either on Miss Pac Man or on the cue ball we made.

 

Dr. UeJin Kim 04:29

That's a perfect setup. I'm really glad that you guys figured out your purpose in life.

 

Mark 04:34

That is.

 

Dr. UeJin Kim 04:37

If it were only that easy and simple, I would love it.

 

Mark 04:40

Yes, if you're not happy with frisbee golf, cue ball, and Miss Pac Man, there's nothing else.

 

Dr. UeJin Kim 04:41

Yeah. And you know what? You guys are describing what makes you content and happy so simply. like the cue ball, ultimate Frisbee, and Miss Pac Man. But a lot of people, when they think about what the purpose of my life is, don't think about it, and it doesn't come off as very simple. And I know that you guys are living, breathing, and helping people find purpose. So, how did this all start for you? Like, were you born, and you knew that was your purpose? What was your journey through this craziness and obsession about purpose?

 

Mark 05:26

I think the greatest gift that any person has for the world is that we face our own mess. And when we face our own mess, what comes out of it is a gift for our lives and, more importantly, a gift for other people. I think that's like a universal human quality. None of us is particularly distinct, like a human as a human. Basically, everything we do stems from our lives. A lot of it came because we faced the mess of our lives. Many people, let's face it and I did this for a long time live their lives trying to run away from their messes or hide their messes.

 

Adena 06:15

Or compensate for our messes.

 

Mark 06:16

Yes, it's in facing them that we find the goldmine of our lives. Then I use the word "facing" on purpose because, as I look at my life, I never fixed myself; I just faced myself. And facing it makes us all feel like we're still screwed up. The human is never like, "Okay, I'm perfected; I'm going to go look bold now." We are so confident about the most important lessons we teach people because we have experienced them ourselves. We're not talking about something we read in a book. It's something we've all lived through and experienced. And we see other people experiencing the same sort of thing. And so, we just keep doing it.

 

Adena 07:13

We see how much people get to change their own lives and how they experience life. I kind of call it a heart experience. Like, what is my heart experiencing while I'm living life this way? What is my heart experiencing that makes me make this kind of choice? And I'm done with trying to be perfect and getting my value from what I do. It's like, that's the way I was ingrained, and I chased it for so many years of my life. But then I discovered that there is a whole different way for my heart to experience life, and it is with freedom, peace, joy, and great love. I'm not going back to the old way, and since we found it, we don't live selfishly in any way. And we want others to have whatever we find, because how many people out there need less anxiety and more peace, or less of a prison from something that is holding them back, or more freedom? So, we're just so passionate about helping other people experience this so that this can be their life too. Yeah, because people don't know how to do things. They need to be shown how. Our brains are not the only thing that needs to grow, as we require something to assist us. Something mental, academic, and intellectual is needed to help us understand something. But even after we know that this is true, this is important, I believe it, and this would make my life better, people get stuck there. They're like, "What does that look like?"

 

Mark 08:44

How do I do it? I have a friend of mine. He's what I call a frustrating friend. I want us to have a good argument together. I have some things to say to him because he's a leader, a coach, and a speaker who boldly tells people to stop quitting. And he's so right. But there's one little problem. People don't know how to stop quitting. We don't know how to. And it's so easy in a world full of information. And most information says, "Here's what you need to do." and we all know that. Like yes. But how? How do I become the person who will do this thing that needs to be done? That is the secret sauce I believe in when it comes to helping people.

How do you assist someone in becoming so that they will then do? A lot of help comes from telling people they need to do this. You need to go to the gym and eat better. Well, they knew that before the conversation, but how does someone become the human that has an internal change that causes them to then do something externally that's different? I was about to say that most conversations are usually stuck in the past. But internally, we're still locked in the prison of not being able to do that external thing that we need to do. and it's a trap.

 

Dr. UeJin Kim 10:27

And I'm picking up themes here, and I'm writing down notes as I'm nodding along, because, among other things, I think the foundational truth is that we're all humans. We're all messed up. We're all insecure. We're all broken. And I believe that

 

Mark 10:45

We are all awesome.

 

Dr. UeJin Kim 10:46

And awesome.

 

Mark 10:47

At the same time.

 

Dr. UeJin Kim 10:48

Yeah, I think human nature is both complex and beautiful, as well as broken and inspiring. We all embody that potential. But there are two ways of approaching it. Number one is to fix it. And number two is to face it. And I believe that when you're trying to repair this beautiful, broken humanity, the list never ends, because that was never the horoscope's purpose in the first place. So, you're talking about diets and books. Seven effective habits, or all these virtues, can fix our beautiful humanness. But now you're saying, "Quit doing that and start facing it," which is, I think, the heart of purposeful masterminding. Did I get the right idea? You're nodding and shaking your fist in the air, so I'm guessing I'm getting the point.

 

Mark 11:53

Yes, I have goosebumps, and I want to run through a brick wall right now because that fires me up. because I know the trap, I used to live in. I was imprisoned inside a fictitious prison, which is the worst kind. You can feel the impact of those bars on your life, but you can't see them. and you can't get out of them. But the good news is that getting out of that prison is much easier than people can possibly imagine. I know what it's like to live your life trying to fix yourself. And once I'm fixed, then I can be me. So, for me, waiting was a big deal for so long. Basically, here's how I live my life. I want to do something with my life; I want to live boldly; I want to live freely; I want to make a difference. And as soon as I lose weight, I can do that.

Well, at the end of every day, you look at yourself and you're like, "I'm not there." And the frustration of that makes you go back to your comfort, which is cookies, chips, and whatever else. And so. you go to bed at night thinking, "Okay, tomorrow is going to be different." And so, you wake up and think about this. I lived this way for so many years. I woke up every day. And the goal was to lose weight. That's not the purpose. There is zero power in waking up and thinking I need to fix myself. The beautiful thing is, when I stopped trying to fix me, I focused on being me. And that changed me. There was so much freedom in going out and living my life boldly while facing my mess. And I discovered that I don't need to lose a pound to live out my purpose. The more I followed my purpose, the more weight I lost. The human instinct is: "I got to lose weight first, and then I can live my purpose." So, this is why the focus of our work is to tell people. People come to us with marriage problems, addictions, and depression, and we tell them we're not going to talk about it. We definitely want to help them attack that. We believe that people best attack that with the power of living out their purpose. Waking up to fix oneself has no power. There's just no power, and I know the difference. And so, the purpose of Mastermind is so much about just telling people they can walk out of the prison cell of how they think about themselves and their lives. It's a funny thing; when people get out of prison, they act different.

 

Adena 14:53

There was this young lady that I did the purpose mastermind with, and when we started, she literally didn't even want to come have a conversation because in her life, the way her normal was, she was like an older elementary student, maybe in the fifth or sixth grade. Then she had two younger children, perhaps four and six years old. She lived and did not have a desire to get out of bed. Her husband was trying to be encouraging as he was getting ready for work. He's like, "Hey, come on, get up, honey, and what are you looking forward to today?" And she even said he was doing a fantastic job trying to motivate her. But she literally had no desire to get up and care for her children. Those kids need someone to help take care of them. So, when she doesn't even have a desire to get out of bed, there needs to be something in her that gets to bring her back to life again. And when that happens, it'll impact every area of her life.

And it was after only a few conversations in the purpose mastermind, and I love how you referred to it as an experience because this isn't like teaching your brain something like I was describing. It's like assisting your heart in understanding the truth that your mind believes and demonstrating what that looks like in your real life today. So, after just a couple of conversations, she started changing, and she started having more of a desire to actually live life and to get up and participate in what was going on. By the end of eight weeks, it will be roughly two months; that's not much time. But, after about two months, she is motivated to get up; she wants to do whatever she needs to do with the kids. And she's even deciding she wants to go to a friend's house, and she wants to help them because they're not motivated, and she wants to help them because now she's got something in her that brought her back to life, and she can't not share it. So, she's no longer just living and having her life for herself; her family is enjoying it as well.

 

Dr. UeJin Kim 16:57

I'd like to briefly mention mental health because what you just described about what the lady was doing before could be very similar to clinical depression. like not wanting to get out of bed and not functioning well. It has some pretty severe depression symptoms. And, just to clarify, mental health is a component of the bio, psychosocial, and spiritual models, but that's not what we're talking about. If listeners can imagine the psychosocial model as three even diagrams, it's like a triangle. But I imagine that the spiritual circle encompasses all of that. So, knowing your purpose is actually a component of the spiritual components of mental health. And what you're describing is that she was so down, but by tweaking the distorted thinking and maybe cultural habits related to her purpose, that really lessened or eradicated symptoms of depression. And I just want to emphasize how important knowing your purpose is for mental health because it can work synergistically and collaboratively to get you out of bed, possibly without medication. And I'm not against medication; I prescribe medication. But I think I want to emphasize the importance of spirituality and knowing your purpose in that, and you guys are doing that.

 

Mark 18:33

I think if life is a journey and it's like climbing a mountain, I think it's a struggle for everybody. But you have some people that are climbing the mountain, and they don't know why. And so, the journey begins. It's very easy to lose heart because why am I doing this? It's hard. There are storms; there are rocks; there are sticker bushes; and there are a variety of other issues. When people have purpose, they have a reason for what they're doing. And when you have a reason to climb that mountain and you believe you're going somewhere important, obstacles are okay. And you face them because you have a reason to face them. But if my life has no reason and I'm like, "Oh, here's another steep part," I have to climb. Why am I doing this? It's very easy to just go off in the bushes somewhere and just look for some comfort. It's like, "Why am I doing this?" It has no purpose. If there's no purpose to that journey, it's like climbing a mountain without water. You become depleted. And so, then, I think purpose becomes like water for our lives. It's something that is so foundational and critical to everything that we do that it prevents us from becoming depleted. If I am dying of thirst on that mountain and then I come across a steep part, I might think that the problem is the steep part. No, it wasn't. The problem was that I was depleted of water when I got to the steep part. So, the steep part isn't the problem. It's the depleted part that's the problem. So, I think purpose is like water for the journey of our lives.

 

Dr. UeJin Kim 20:30

And I also think that if you know your purpose in climbing uphill, every pain and obstacle will actually become meaningful. You know the meaning behind it because you know your purpose, and you're like, "Okay, another hill, I got this." Because climbing that hill involves pain and setbacks and whatever else, but that pain is going to get you that much closer to your purpose.

 

Mark 20:57

Purpose brings a point to your pain. You're so right when you say you're climbing that mountain with purpose. When you come across struggle, you look at it and think, "Oh, this is just the next thing that's going to make me stronger for my purpose." This is just making me better. But if I don't have a purpose, everything that comes along is like, "What's the point?" And we look at struggles in life and say, "What's the point of this struggle?" But the real issue is that we're all wondering, "What's the point of me?" I've got to know the point of me and my existence; that's what purpose is about.

 

Dr. UeJin Kim 21:43

And you know, kind of backtracking, a lot of people in this world will tell you: "You will get what you want if you fix your problems." They're as popular as diet, sleep, exercise, jobs, climbing the social ladder, making friends, getting likes, and all of these two responsibilities. And you know what I was thinking, because the episode that I just launched today was on intuitive eating and keto, Whole 30, intermittent fasting, and fasting. Even in just the diet culture, there are just so many things to do—like 10 things you need to do. And I believe we are desperate and dependent, both secretly and not so secretly. And we just love to be told what to do to fix our problems. And this is a loaded question. But why do you think this world is like that?

 

Mark 22:44

I think it's a lack of knowledge. I also think it's just human pride. We were talking to couples last night about parenting. And I said that the biggest asset to your parenting is that you, as parents, are willing to face your own mess and live your best, boldest life. And that should be good news. It should be good news. Because that's a lot better than telling people, "Hey, if you want to be good parents, you need to figure out all these things that you need to do with your kids." All these things you need to do to block out dangerous things—all these things need to be done to protect them. We instinctively want that list, even though it would have had 2,000 things on it. and nobody has time for it. So, the really good news we told them is that the best thing you can do for your kids is live your best, bold life. But there's something really bad about that. Nobody wants to face themselves. Tell me something to do. Don't tell me I need to look in the mirror.

 

Dr. UeJin Kim 23:58

That's why it's so popular.

 

Mark 24:01

Yes. Because if I go buy a diet book, I'm doing something impressive. But if I do something like be honest about myself, that's not impressive, and it's hard.

 

Adena 24:12

We can blame the diet book or the source of what we're looking for, the to-do list. We can blame that. and it's no longer just us. We're deflecting.

 

Dr. UeJin Kim 24:22

I think you mentioned pride. and that is so true. I believe there are few components here because we are attempting to become more abstract. I think our society is so judgmental. And we naturally have to defend our worth to society. So, you're saying there's pride involved because it's as if I need to be skinnier, smarter, and more successful at X, Y, and Z to prove that I'm a good person. That's why we focus so much on the does, naturally, and I think that was in my depression breakdown podcast episode because it's like, "What's your work?" and we're always constantly being measured. But the pride and maybe survival pride needs to survive somehow. So, it's like, it just becomes this ugly, hot mess of trying to prove ourselves by doing more, knowing more, and talking more. That's just an endless cycle of ugliness.

 

Mark 25:29

Our pride gives us a false answer to every human problem. And pride gives us a fast answer to every human problem. Yeah, fast answer. Just do this. And we're all like, "Okay." Five minutes later, we walked away, and we were like, "Oh, wait, I won't do that."

 

Dr. UeJin Kim 25:53

Yeah. And sometimes those fast answers work temporarily. So, then you get that high of, like, "Oh, I lost a pound." Let's do this like it's working. And then at the end of it all, it's like, "It never works." It never satisfies.

 

Mark 26:06

Yeah. People need this thing called freedom. All humans need this thing called freedom. And the goal of masterminding is unquestionably for people to know their purpose in a single sentence. Because when we stop wondering why we exist, then we can boldly live and stop having this thought run through our heads. Am I living in the right place? Am I in the right job? Am I married to the right person? Am I living the right life? Know your purpose, and then go live it. But the secret sauce throughout the eight weeks is helping people be set free from the mindsets that are holding them back from being able to live out that purpose. That's the freedom component.

 

Dr. UeJin Kim 26:55

Yeah. And I think you guys and I, like, really click because adding more information or more to do is not going to solve a single thing on earth. And it's like, "Let's get back to the basics, like understanding ourselves." So, you mentioned freedom, which is also my favorite word in what I do. Instead of fixing our humanity, the purpose mastermind leads you through eight conversations to confront our problems and our humanity. So, can you explain the conceptual ideas behind the eight conversations?

 

Mark 27:33

Yeah, for the first four, we kind of drop people off in the middle of nowhere. So, life. You've been abandoned in the wilderness. And in that wilderness, there's plenty of opportunity. Like every tree, it has shiny objects from the sky: become this, get that job, complete this task, and go to this location. And if you get that, then you'll be happy. And so, you go to a tree and you try something, and you're like, "Well, that didn't satisfy me." You want to try a different tree? Well, that didn't satisfy me. And you enjoy jumping from tree to tree while climbing. There are thousands of trees. And then, at some point, you're like, "Wait a second." I don't even think I know where I'm going in this wilderness. Where am I going? I have to know where I'm going. And I'm limited on water, limited on beef jerky, and limited on time. And you get to a certain point and you're like, "I don't know who would go in the right direction." And I'm looking, and I think we're all looking for the same core things, like fulfillment. Wherever I'm journeying in life, if I have fulfillment, the journey is good. I'll also say this: It doesn't matter where you journey in life. Without fulfillment, life's not good. I don't care if someone's living in a mansion. I don't care how much fame someone has.

If someone doesn't have fulfillment, they're empty. But we all know this. There are humans who live with nothing. There are countries where people wake up and all they have is a hut and some water that is only somewhat clean. And yet they have a sense of happiness and fulfillment. So, we're all searching for fulfillment. So, in the mastermind, we basically help people get out of the wilderness and onto a path through it. Because of the path, the journey is very different. In the middle of the wilderness, I don't know where I'm going or if I'm going the right way. On the path, you're like, "Oh, I'm on the path; I'm going this way." That alleviates some of the stress of the journey. And then the last half of the mastermind is all about how you think as a person to stay on that dirt path. because that dirt path represents living your life on purpose, living your life boldly, and living your life with freedom. So, that's the basic idea behind it.

 

Dr. UeJin Kim 30:08

I like that you said "wilderness," because I'm kind of picturing that when you go to the wilderness, you don't have the worries and expectations of the city. So, it sounds like you're pruning all these expectations and goals that society or you threw at you while you're looking for a purpose. Is that the kind of thing you guys imagine?

 

Adena 30:37

Yeah, along the journey, you definitely have to decide. You have to be honest. You have to take a step back from whatever is hot at the moment. You need to pause and take a step back. It's usually pretty evident that there's something that you need to prune. Like, there's something you've believed all your life, and you believe it to be true. I have done that tons of times in my life because, because of an experience, a relationship, or culture, you believe something to be true. but it comes with this weight. This weight that I have found is not sustainable or attainable, like performance and perfection; you can't keep that up at some point; you just melt. And so, if you prove that, no, I don't have to chase perfection. Some people can't even get ready to prove that because they're holding on out of desperation that perfection is going to give them value. So, there's a lot to work through. So, this is a big conversation, said very simply, but you'll find that there'll be something you need to prune. And then, inevitably, there will be something powerful that you can tap into and use to your advantage. That "pruning and chasing" experience is the difference between invisible prisons and freedom.

 

Mark 31:55

Yeah, using the wilderness as a metaphor It's like people think they're supposed to climb the trees. And you never had to climb a tree. It's exhausting to live your life trying to climb a tree to see if that's your destiny. If I get this job and I climb to the top of it, then I've arrived. But you get to the top of the tree, and all you find are flimsy branches that can't hold you up. You're like, "I've been doing all this for this." I climbed this whole tree for this. And this happens with anyone who climbs the tree; it's exhausting. We weren't made to climb trees; we were made for a purpose. And the trees are all evil, certainly. And on the path, you reach over and grab something that's hanging from a tree and use it for your purpose. But we weren't meant to climb the trees and hang on for dear life. We're on this powerful journey on a path of purpose. That's what we're made for.

 

Dr. UeJin Kim 32:59

You know, when I was in medical school, I guess if you want to be a doctor, you have to go to medical school before you can even get your MD. And it was insane studying in medical school with all those burnt-out hours. And then there was a moment in my residency as an intern when all the residents looked at each other and said, "We got here for this." We work so hard and sacrifice so much in terms of earning potential for this and that. I'm using "physician" because I'm a physician. "This isn't worth it," all of the physicians agreed. and I think COVID proves that, like the burnout rates. And I was thinking, as you were talking about it, that it's like the apostle Paul saying, "I've got all the credentials, and they're nothing compared to knowing His purpose." And I just felt like, "Let me just save you guys some time." I've achieved it all, and it's all a waste. And I almost heard from the purpose mastermind, "Yeah, you can be the most successful CEO, but one with a purpose is content, and one without a purpose is miserable."

 

Adena 34:24

Yeah, the journey is completely different. We tend to accept the pressures that life puts on us, and the emotions that we have to manage because of that just become a huge weight over time. It affects us all differently, and if we don't allow ourselves to get to a point where we honestly say, "Is this all there is?" If we don't allow ourselves the freedom to be honest right there, we won't ever even consider that there's another way to do it. We just think this is all there is to life, and you're not happy where you are. And then you have to compensate, which becomes even more complicated if you become discouraged and don't find another option, but we weren't designed to carry the weight that we do with our emotions, with our hearts.

We need peace to survive. So, how do we achieve true peace that we can experience every day, regardless of what is going on in our world or in our relationships? We want to give people hope that it's possible. The reason we do this is because we've been there. At one point in our lives, we were those people who were like, "Well, I guess this is all that we get." I guess this is as good as it's going to be. So, okay, let's be happy. And we do have a lot and are thankful for what we have. But we were so limited, and our experience was not full of enjoyment. And we were created to enjoy life, to be the best version of ourselves, to give the best version of ourselves, and to have a community where that's happening. And that's where life is really going to be completely different from what most people experience.

 

Mark 36:13

Yeah, we're all desperate to act as if we're all in. I want to be all in with life. I don't want to be on the sidelines, wondering if I'm doing what I should be doing, wondering where my greatness is or where my contribution is. the longer that a person sits on that sideline or lives in that wilderness. Like, where's my tree that I climb that proves my value? Where's the tree that proves my greatness? And we can look outside of us for a lifetime. And I'm so driven because I heard a story one time about a man who sat beside the hospital bed where his father was dying. And his dad said, "I finally figured out what life's about and why I'm here." But now it's time to say goodbye." I'm so driven that people can stop looking at all the trees and wondering which one they are supposed to climb. And instead, they can be on the path and realize the tree is not what makes them great.

The fact that they are God's design and creation means that greatness is inside them. And instead of wasting their lives looking for something great outside of themselves, they can give themselves something great that is already inside of them. And to help people just stop the endless search in the wilderness, be on a dirt path, do snow angels in the dirt, and be like this, I'm living my life. I'm living it boldly, no matter the location, no matter the occupation, no matter the talent—to know that you're giving your best shot at life is so liberating. You sleep so well. It's like I gave my all to life today, and tomorrow I get to do it again.

 

Dr. UeJin Kim 38:17

I love that. I think I started to sleep better the more I progressed in knowing my purpose. And I'm just mirroring what you're saying, which is that instead of us looking for compartments of life like "is it my job?" or "is it my relationship?" it's just like, bring all that effort 100% to knowing the greatness that's within you. And so, no matter what job you have, what relationship you have, or what situation or illness you have, that will never be shaken away because you understand your greatness that's already stored in you, so you can kind of explore it and face it.

 

Mark 38:59

and you give it in all that you do. It's not okay; I'm at work; I have a purpose. And then everywhere else, you're just existing. What am I? Your purpose, on the other hand, is how you consistently show up in everything with everyone. So, you're always in the game; you're always playing. You're always on the field, participating, giving, celebrating, being with people, and giving yourself instead of always wondering, "When do I get to play the game of life?" People must be addicted. I think this is why things like opioids are so rampant. is that it allows you to feel however you want to feel. And I just talked to a 26-year-old man the other day, and he has to take drugs and drink because he's trying to survive every day. Because he's just dragging himself through life. And he said, "I remember how I felt when I played hockey." He played hockey from age five to 22. And he talked about that feeling he had when he was nose-to-nose with a competitor. And there was a hockey puck between them. And he said, "That feeling." He said, "I'm so desperate for that feeling." But he said, "I know I can't have it anymore." "Brother, I have it right now,"

I told him. I'm a 51-year-old man. And I'm just a guy. I don't have anything. I was never good at a sport. I've never done anything that people say, well, you did that. I live with that feeling, and you can have it too. People give up on the belief that they can have that feeling, and so we just go to the counterfeits. It's an affair that will make me feel alive again if I take this drug, drink, indulge in whatever substance, or simply find the next show on TV that excites me, even if it's for a middle-aged man. Human beings are desperate to feel like they're in the game. and that is a good notion that we have. Because every one of our lives is so important, every one of us has within us the capability of changing other people's lives with some very common gifts that we have. But when we lose hope that our lives can make a difference because we don't know how, we have no choice but to turn to some counterfeit substance to give us a sense of being alive.

 

Dr. UeJin Kim 43:17

I think the fact that we want to be alive, be fully present, and give our all to life is such a powerful momentum. and a sign that we're alive. But in this society where everything is fixed, we can't survive. And I'm like, when you were listing off, I was like, "I've been there; I've done that." I was that person, and it is easy. And I think it's easy, maybe in the fixer society, to judge, "Oh, my, they're having an affair." Oh, my, they're having an addiction problem. But that's a better society. But when you're facing it, you're like, "Okay, come on." I know that's a cheap chase right now, but I know that that's giving you signs and feelings that you're alive. But here's something better: Here's the real thing. So, you mentioned, first of all, that the conversation is leading them to the wilderness. And I'm dying to talk about the second floor because I'm sure the audience is thinking, "Okay, you built this up, okay, how do I find my purpose?" So, can you tell me about the second half of the conversation?

 

Mark 43:17

I will tell you some in the second half of the conversation. Most people don't need to live a different life. They need to think differently about the life they're living. When you think differently about the life you're living, your life might then change. But it's not your life that changed; it's your thinking that changed. And thinking changes the results. So, the first half of the mastermind is getting rid of mindsets that commonly keep people lost in the wilderness. The last half are these mindsets that, if you think this way, you'll stay on this dirt path and live this bold and free life. Because the person who lives in a prison or in the bushes thinks differently than the person who lives on the path. And so, the second half of the mastermind is practicing and learning these mindsets that enable you to boldly stay on that dirt path, living out your purpose, instead of wandering back out into the wilderness and getting lost. So, that's a tease about what it's about.

Dr. UeJin Kim 44:33

That is a tease, and I just wanted to recap. I think it's a clear thing here. Is it correct that freedom does not come with a set of two freedoms?

 

Adena 44:49

Right.

 

Dr. UeJin Kim 44:50

Freedom and living your life boldly and purposefully will never be accomplished by achieving many goals and many successes in health, a job, or a relationship. It'll never come from compartmentalizing life. Change your mindset about your attitude and perspective on yourself to find your purpose. Is that a good summary?

 

Mark 45:22

No, that's good. And the freedom thing, which I agree with you on, is a great word. It's everything. There's a reason why there are so many movies with that component. Is it because that's what the human heart wants? We all want freedom, and we should. Freedom changes your life. You do not change your life in order to gain freedom. You don't get skinny and then become free. You just don't. I tried for 30 years.

 

Dr. UeJin Kim 45:54

So, did I.

 

Mark 45:55

You can't do it. Life changes as a result of freedom. But human thinking is, "Oh, I want freedom." What do I need to do?

 

Adena 46:06

Our focus is way too heavy on doing. And once you let go of that, some people are like, "Oh, if I let go of this, then I'm going to fail at everything." I'm never going to speak up, my boss will never like what I'm doing at the job, and my family won't either. They keep thinking that that's going to derail their whole life. But, in reality, it's just a matter of thinking differently about what to do because that's not what will happen; we overthink it. We study or do something, and then we study what we did. We overstudy, we overthink, we park our emotions there, and we are held hostage by focusing and overfocusing.

 

Dr. UeJin Kim 46:45

It's because we thought that our self-worth and freedom were something to be earned. But we already had it.

 

Adena 46:53

and because we instinctively need to have value. And we've told ourselves where that value is found. It's like, we just have to have a relentless pursuit. The word is here to show people that there is a way to get a healthy body without gaining a lot of weight.

 

Dr. UeJin Kim 47:14

Yeah. And I was just going to add something to that, because sometimes we chase after the things that are hardest to get. Because if we get that, then maybe that's the ultimate level of success. And I say that's why we're always drawn to bad guys and bad girls, because they never fully validated us but only teased us all the time. And we have it in our hearts to go after the hardest things, bend over backwards, and sacrifice so many things for them. But what a waste when you have that validation and value already!

 

Mark 47:59

What if we go after the greatest thing instead? The greatest thing about every day is that I have a purpose, and I'm going to chase it today. And with that same great pursuit, have the boldness to say, "This problem in my life is holding me back from my purpose." "I'm going to face it," because that makes me better for my purpose. It doesn't prevent me from achieving my purpose. It makes me better for my purpose if I simply face it. just like Clark Kent, who wakes up to put on his cape. He is so familiar with kryptonite that many people think, "Well, there's kryptonite, so I can't wear my cape." Kryptonite, on the other hand, will always exist. What humans can do is be honest about their kryptonite while wearing their cape. And I would say this because there is kryptonite everywhere. It's everywhere for all of us. It's all the more important that we put on our cape of purpose. I think the only way we overcome kryptonite is by living out the life we were made to live. to wake up and declare, "I'm going to get rid of kryptonite from my life." Well, that day is going to stick, and you're going to fail because you cannot remove all the kryptonite from your life. But you can chase your purpose, and that gives you power over the kryptonite.

 

Dr. UeJin Kim, 49:32

Man, I hope and know that the listeners will listen to this, and I just hope that this episode serves as a life pause button. In 40 to 50 minutes of listening to this, just kind of look back and think, "Am I chasing the dues?" "Am I trying to fix my problem?" Or am I trying to face it? Or, for example, enjoy my greatness and sense of self-worth. I hope that this was just a pause button for our listeners today. I always enjoy talking with you guys personally, and I especially thank you for coming to this podcast. I know we set a lot of good examples, like nuggets here and there. But if you can, like, have a last message, one from Mark and one from Adena, what would you want our listeners to know?

 

Mark 50:27

I would say, very simply, that no matter where you are right now and where you've been, you have a purpose. And you can know that purpose—I'm going to say it again—you can know your purpose. And you can be set free from anything that holds you back from living it out boldly. And the more you sit there today and you're like, "There's so much against me," I tell you, the more that is against you, the more capability you have to live your purpose boldly if you change how you think. I just came back yesterday from a prison where I met with some men. These men are in prison, and these 12 men that I met with are the most free people I know. Life can feel like it puts us in prison, and we think we have to remove the prison. The reality is that we need to think differently about our lives, and when we walk out of prison, we have so much to offer people. So, that's the message I would give.

 

Adena 51:38

and mine is going to be that. We all need to have value. And because we are chasing that every day, we do all sorts of things to chase it, from the clothes we wear to the image we present to the accomplishments that we're trying to accomplish. But the value that you're chasing inside of you is causing a lot of strain on a lot of hearts. And I really love focusing on my heart's experience as I go through different things in life. And I have found that when my heart is not experiencing freedom but is experiencing fear, or pain, or other things, I can face that. And I want to face it in a way that gives my heart a safe place to be honest about that. And then, when I do that, it gives me a different way to approach whatever's happening. And then I get to have more choices, where I thought I was just forced in a certain direction because of whatever my mind thought. When I do this, just my heart's experience is guiding me. And it's like, you know what? I was created to have peace. I was created for that peace, to be able to help my gift be the best version that it possibly could be, and the world needs it. And I really want to give it, and I know that. So, to every person who's listening, you have value. And everything that you want to chase with that value, you can. There is a way that you can bring out the very best version of yourself and offer it to the people around you. And it is such a rewarding experience for you when you give something unique to others and they enjoy it.

 

Dr. UeJin Kim 53:38

And I think that reminds us that even after knowing your purpose, life doesn't get easy. But there's meaning and purpose behind the pain and difficulties. and it just makes it more beautiful and complete.

 

Mark 53:54

So true. Well said.

 

Dr. UeJin Kim 53:57

So, I'm hoping that this has piqued your interest in Mark and Adena's purpose mastermind course. If anyone is interested in getting to know more about you guys or what you can offer, I believe that purpose mastermind is not the only course that you offer. So, there are a lot of different things that you offer. So, how can they reach out to you?

 

Mark 54:20

Yeah, markdelaney.com is the website, and you can email Mark at markdelaney.me.

 

Adena 54:28

You can also contact Adena via email at Adena @ markdelaney.me.

 

Dr. UeJin Kim 54:34

Yeah, and I'll put all those links in the description box. Then I hope that this episode was a pause button in our busy lives, just to know that you have purpose, you have value, and you have something to offer the world that is very unique to your set of strengths and gifts. And Mark and Adena, thank you so much for joining us. Have a great day.

I hope you enjoyed our discussion today on finding your purpose. In summary, it is as follows: Finding your purpose is not getting it together or working on your problems. It's a series of steps that we take in life that are aligned with our purpose. Knowing your purpose will give you perspective on the flaws, pains, and obstacles in your life and make them all worth it. Perhaps this discussion will calm you down enough to take a step back from your hectic daily routines and ask yourself, "Where am I going?" Who do I want to be? And if you want to reach out to Mark and Adena, I have their contact information in the description box. If you want to contact me about this or other mental health issues, please email me at restorepsychiatrymd@gmail.com. Again, thank you guys so much for enjoying our discussion together. And if you haven't already, hit subscribe so that you can listen to the newest episode as it's fresh off the press. And if you really enjoyed the work that we're doing, and if you want to kind of spread it further, then please leave a review and tell us what this podcast meant for you. That will help me so much. Have a great day, guys.